Begin at the Beginning

As I sit here, wondering where to start, I remember the words of my freshman English professor who told us, when writing our first college essays, to "begin at the beginning."

So I'll start by saying that I am not a public person. Maybe it's because I was raised by people who think that emotional displays are signs of weakness, but I don't understand the people who respond to Jerry Springer's disfunction of the day by going, "Hey, that's me! I'm gonna call that number and get myself on TV!" I'd rather work my problems out in private, or at my most public, over a glass of good red wine in the comfort of my best friend's living room.

Nor am I an exhibitionist. I don't understand people who feel the need to share every detail of their lives. The web is full of people who are comfortable with everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING -- hanging out for all the world to see. Not me. I don't even like it that my picture shows up occasionally out there because I was in a group photo at some public event.

But here I am with my own blog, because if I don't vent my anger and hurt, I will go crazy. Two months ago, I discovered that my husband is a liar, a cheat, and a hypocrite. I always knew that he wasn't perfect, but never dreamed that his flaws are as deeply rooted as this. It's tempting to blame myself -- if only I'd done better due diligence before saying "I do." If only I'd paid more attention to the giant red flags that were flying from the beginning. If only I'd been a bit less willing to believe his stories, even when they didn't make perfect sense. If only I hadn't fallen quite so hard....

If only...

Suffice it to say, I would not have married this man had I know then even a tenth of what I know today. But that's all water under the bridge. I married him, and now I have to live with the consequences of not only my decisions, but also of his actions.

With each post, I'll fill in more details as I mull over my options. I don't want this to be overwhelming. Just cathartic.


The Wife Who Knows