The Other Woman

I haven’t said anything about the other woman – actually, there were more than one, but only one who was important – because she’s not really relevant. When I discovered my husband’s affair, I wanted to blame her. I wanted it to be all her fault, I wanted him to be as much a victim as I was.

But no matter how I turned it around in my mind, how I tried to justify it, how much I wanted it to be otherwise, the fact remained: he did it. This is not to say that she didn’t encourage him, but in the end, it was his choice to cheat. She might have made herself available, but she couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to.

When I met my husband, he told me that he didn’t believe that men and women could be friends without sex in the mix. All of my male friends – ex-lovers, classmates, platonic friends, professional contacts, gay guys – were suspect. The one exception to his rule, however, was a woman with whom he used to work. He described her to me as everything from his best friend, to his confidante, co-conspirator, and biggest fan. I’ve heard from people who used to work in that office that she was the ultimate sycophant, following him around like an eager puppy, grateful for any attention he threw her way.

For his part, my husband said he took an interest in her when she showed promise at her job. She was not the typical entry-level person he saw in this position. She had a masters degree, was well-read, and had strong and often unpopular opinions. Though she was somewhat anti-social and awkward around other people, she caught his eye. To make up for her decided lack of people skills, he took her under his wing and mentored her. She took his professional interest as something more, and worked actively to undermine anyone she felt threatened her status as favored employee.

He knew this about her – she was the source of most of his personnel problems – yet he thrived on her adoration. When he was going through his divorce, she found him a place to stay while he looked for the bachelor pad. He told me that she took care of him during that time – made sure he ate, let him cry on her shoulder, listened to his tales of woe. And yes, they had sex. It was very important to my husband that I not know this fact because of the bright line he drew for me. But from what I can gather – people talk – she got a little too possessive when he started dating other people. After he found his own place and regained some confidence, he cut her off. She was bitterly disappointed – she thought of herself as his savior – but told him that their friendship was the only thing that mattered to her. She didn’t need the benefits, though she did want to hear all the juicy details about the other women in his life.

My husband told me that she encouraged him to pick up the phone and call me that first time. She thought I’d be just another in a long line of dating horror stories they could laugh about. Had she known he would fall head-over-heels, she would have done everything she could – lie, intercept phone calls, erase or alter e-mails, forge documents – to keep us apart. All things, I found out later, she had done to other people in the past.

When it became clear that I was not someone she could manipulate out of his life, she chose to hang back and wait for an opportunity. I thought it was curious that my husband’s “best friend” – the one whom he claimed was so supportive of our relationship – was always busy when I was in town. But I didn’t give it much thought at the time. Hell, I was so focused on “us” that I never considered their friendship to be a threat. Silly me….

The Wife Who Knows