Backward Glances
I ran across a box of old journals the other night and stopped for a few minutes to re-live my life as I saw it 15, 10, 5 years ago. When I came across the two volumes I filled during my move to the small town, I started reading more closely. After a few pages, I was stunned that I didn't catch my husband with The Other Woman. Those journals were riddled with descriptions of the bright red flags they were waving, and I never once questioned their relationship beyond what he told me.
I knew from the beginning that something was off with The Other Woman. She didn't want to meet me, though my husband often reminded me that she was the biggest champion of our long distance relationship. I don't recall her ever being particularly supportive, but I do remember that she was fond of pulling stunts to get his attention when she felt neglected. She always seemed to call in a panic when he was on his way to the big city, with a crisis that only he could fix. Every time he described another episode of her diva-like behavior, I'd ask, "What's up with her? When do I get to meet this woman?"
More often than not, he'd answer with words like "crazy," "unbalanced," "delusional," "insane," and "absolutely nuts" to describe her attachment to him. What I didn't realize until far too late was that her attachment was not healthy, nor was it one-sided. I have tried to get my head around what he found so compelling about her, and I've toyed with the term "addiction." But I don't want to let him off the hook that easy by categorizing his affair in a way that implies he had no control over his actions.
Because no matter how close to forgiveness I get, I still can't get past the fact that everything he did with her was deliberate, intentional, calculated, and dishonest. And the hardest part to reconcile, the reason I don't just let it go, is the realization that, every time he was with The Other Woman, there was no way he could not have realized how much this would hurt me.
And still, he did it.
The Wife Who Knows
posted by The Wife Who Knows @ 6:33 PM
5 Comments:
It comes and goes in waves, doesn't it.
One of the most important things I learned when my now-ex-boyfriend (who I thought was "the one," the first time I've felt that way in all my 41 years) cheated on me is that he didn't do it to hurt me. He did it despite me. It was small consolation but something I could cling to that helped me get through it.
Since he and I weren't married, I left - immediately. I can't imagine how difficult the decision would have been had we been married. Either way, he broke my heart, and I'm still working through it.
When you think about your husband's infidelity, remember that it's HIS character flaw, not yours. I doubt he did it to actively hurt you. He did it for other reasons, his own weaknesses.
I remember having this conversation with our counselor. She kept saying the same things (in different words) that sportychick said. The old, "it's not you it's me" is really true in this case. One thing I do know in my own experience is that I will never understand why my wife did what she did. I will drive myself insane if I don't stop trying to figure it out.
I ran across your blog while doing research. You seem to be well-educated (probably post-secondary education)with an impressive ability to turn your introspection into captivating reading. So,I must ask, why don't you confront the source of your problems and insecurities? You stated yourself, he is a liar. You've supported your statement with claims of infidelity, inappropriate relationships with co-workers, and even lying to prospective employers (not to mention that he used his mistress to back up his story!) Do you really think that you can change this person to be the mate you thought he was? While you cannot control his behavior, you do have control over the situations you allow yourself to be in. I wish you well.
It sounds as if you may agree with some of my analysis.
I maintain a rather controversial (Some would say disturbing.) weblog that is very critical of some of our society's most precious institutions, especially the institution of family.
Drop by, read the header and the ABOUT ME section, and leave a comment. I'd love to hear your opinion.
That is very poor advice. It is clear through your words that you believe in marriage. It is also clear that your husband loves you and you love him. Has he been abusive? Has he been unfaithful? Didn't he make the same sacrifice as yu by moving away from his homebase? Sure, he lied to you about a pre-marital affair. That was wrong. Well guess what, he is human. He probably can't tell you how sorry he is so maybe he is doing what he knows how by showing you now how much he loves you.
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