Friday, October 14, 2005

Ancient History

I had a big life before I met my husband. I started dating when I was 15. I got married 25 years later. Along the way, I had several serious boyfriends, including one I said I'd marry. Luckily, I got out of that one before it turned out badly. There were times when I dated many men; there were times when I couldn't be bothered. I met my husband during one of the latter, seriously unattached times.

The last man I dated before we met was 15 years younger than me. This guy pursued me with a single-mindedness that was incredibly flattering. He looked like a Calvin Klein underwear model, fresh out of college, and working at an entry-level position in the field where I'd made a name for myself. At first, I thought he was just ambitious and blew off his advances as an inappropriate attempt to climb the career ladder on my back. When a mutual friend intervened and asked why I wasn't paying more attention to this poor guy, I decided to have dinner with him.

When he started pouring on the charm, my guard went up. I learned over the years not to trust the words of very good looking men, because they've never had to work at getting girls. But the more I got to know him, the more I found that he was a very sincere, very thoughtful, very sweet, very unformed young man. In short, I decided to take him on as a project. It was an interesting relationship -- more mentor-protege than boyfriend-girlfriend. The more I helped him with his career, the more he became my biggest fan. I got nothing from him but uncritical praise and incessant cheerleading. Between his devotion and the age difference, it didn't take long before I got a little weirded out and cooled the romance. But I kept the friendship.

Not long after I met my husband, I introduced him to my friend. I never told him any of the details of our relationship, but my husband bristled in his presence. He told me after that first meeting that he'd prefer I never saw my friend again. "Why?", I asked. "Because of the way he looks at you."

Thus began the biggest battle of our courtship. My husband had a very hard time with the fact that I had a life before we met. He wanted constant reassurance that I wanted him more than any of the men in my past. And the simple fact that I was still friends with someone I'd once dated must mean that I still harbored some desire for him. This jealously extended to my very platonic (and sometimes very gay) male friends, business associates, and random acquaintences. I hated it. It was almost as if he wanted me to hang a sign around my neck warning all men to keep a safe distance because I was someone else's property.

To prove how rational I was, I told him that I wasn't intimidated or threatened by the fact that he had a close female friend with whom he spent a lot of time. I assured him that I understood the relationship, and believed that men and women could be friends without sex being involved. This would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part. I should have insisted that what was good for the goose was absolutely necessary for the gander. But my principles were more important, and by god, I was not going to be a hypocrite.

If only I had married a man who felt the same way....

The Wife Who Knows

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My theory is that when your partner is so paranoid and possessive about the possibility of you having an affair outside of the relationship- its because he himself has been there first. I once cheated and after that I was so worried that the same would be done to me.

5:56 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home