"But I Love Him...."
.... said my friend the Beauty Queen when telling me why she didn't leave her abusive boyfriend. As far as I know, he never hit her, but given his exceptional talent in the art of public humiliation, I can only speculate as to what went on behind closed doors. During the course of their relationship, I watched a vivacious woman with a sparkling personality -- a woman who won over Atlantic City judges in a swimsuit and high heels, a woman who could convince a crowd who came for dinner to stay for the second show, a woman who sold leather jackets to vegans -- transformed into a tentative, insecure shadow of herself. She believed him when he told her that she was ugly and talentless. She didn't protest when he isolated her from her friends. She quit her day job selling custom clothes and her night gig as a lounge singer because he hated her being around so many men.
Every time she got the courage to leave, he'd turn on the charm to win her back. And no matter what anyone said, she always went. One time when things were particularly bad -- he called her a slut at top volume in the middle of a crowded holiday party at their club -- I told her to program my number into her phone and call me anytime, day or night, when she thought about calling him. Like an AA sponsor, I said, I'd help her get through whatever it was that possessed her to keep going back. "Okay," she said as I dropped her off back at her place, "I promise." I waited outside her house to make sure she got in safely. It wasn't but a minute before she came running back out, in such a hurry to leave that she didn't notice me still sitting there. We didn't talk for a while after that night.
The Beauty Queen's story has a happy ending, but it took her a long time to get there.
I thought about her not long ago, when I was having drinks with the only person whom I've told about my husband's affair. We were comparing notes about our similar situations -- he left, I stayed -- when I caught myself echoing the Beauty Queen's signature excuse. And though "But I love him" in the context of MY situation seems perfectly reasonable, I wondered later if I sounded as pathetic to my friend as the Beauty Queen sounded to me all those years ago.
The Wife Who Knows
posted by The Wife Who Knows @ 5:38 PM
4 Comments:
You'll find the answer, I know you will.
Please keep sharing.
I often wonder the same thing after I uttered those words from my situation. It's hard to finish the sentence when I know, right then and there in that very moment, that the person is thinking the very thing I thought about other people who stayed. That I was a fool and would learn a hard valuable lesson with time. I see why you stayed, but for the life of me I can't figure out why I did. But I'm willing to bet anything in the world that it was... "because I love him."
Whenever I read your blog one fact always screams out to me. You weren't married. This may sound cold but take it from someone who has experienced infidelity at its worst, your husband did the right thing, mine didn't. Yet you seem willing to let this destroy what sounds like a happy marriage. I might even guess it's already destroyed it.
Wow. That was one powerfully written entry. In all honesty...I'd leave the dude you're with. You do want to end up like the Beauty Queen and her happy ending, don't you?
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