What Difference Does A Ring Make?
My father was horrified that his middle daughter was openly "living in sin" with her fiance. Forget the fact that my baby sister -- the one who eloped because she was pregnant -- did the same thing. It's just that she was smart enough to tell my parents that she was "renting a room" from her boyfriend. She neglected to tell them that it was his room too, but they never asked, so why should she tell? No wonder she's the golden child!
I suppose I could have gone through the motions of getting my own place -- we knew we weren't going to stay in the bachelor pad any longer than we had to -- but it seemed like a wildly impractical thing to do just to save a little face. At 40, I figured I was too old to maintain a fiction for the sake of appearances. And so for the first time in my life, I openly defied my parents on something that really mattered to them. For my trouble, I got nothing but eight months of serious grief -- not just the usual passive-aggressive disapproval of my life -- from dear old dad.
After my husband and I made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together, saying the vows didn't seem so important in the grand scheme of things. Sure, I wanted to set a date because it seemed pointless to leave things so open-ended, but by the same token, I never would have moved to the small town just to test the waters. I moved because we made a commitment to be with each other. Though it mattered greatly to my father, it didn't make one bit of difference to me that we were not legally married when we set up housekeeping. I was willing to risk the wrath of God for those few months of premarital cohabitation.
When asked why I make such a big deal about an affair that happened before we were married, I am stuck on the fact that he didn't start cheating until AFTER he made the commitment. The proposal was barely out of his mouth when he started having giant second thoughts. Those second thoughts manifested themselves in an eight-month affair with The Other Woman, basically rendering every one of his promises meaningless. I just didn't know it at the time. I do know that if I had caught him in the act, I would not have married him. So while it's probably best I didn't find out until a year after the fact, it is insane to imply that his betrayal means something less because it happened before we invited a bunch of people to watch a 20-minute ceremony.
The Wife Who Knows
posted by The Wife Who Knows @ 5:15 PM
6 Comments:
Since you feel that way I'd get out of it. Why continue with something that isn't working? Betrayal comes in many forms. Aren't you revealing very personal details about him on the internet for all to read? If you are already sabotaging a new marriage, it's time to quit.
I'm not sure what Sandy's talking about...
But...
I actually disagree with your premise. I think the fact he felt like it was okay to cheat before the ceremony but not okay after -- if I've ready you right on the timing -- is because oddly enough the ceremony, the act of speaking your intentions out loud in front of witnesses in some kind of "sacred space", really does mean something.
I think the big question is whether you trust him going forward. If not, then leave. If you can, or think you can, or want to try to, then give it an honest chance and try your best to leave the past in the past. Has he earned any of your trust back since the affair ended? Do you think he can?
What I was talking about is the same idea as BC above but adding that I don not see how she can ever trust him or live a happy life since she's taking it so seriously after what sounds like a long time. I'm not saying it is wrong not to trust him because I might not either. Everyone is different. In my eyes, a ring makes a very big difference. The idea here is to live as happily and productively as possible. Relationships where there are these kind of trust issues rarely last because there is usually some kind of sabotage going on. You know what I'm talking about. Subtile under the radar comments and stuff like that. Her writing here is evidence of that.
Have you shared your feelings of mistrust and hurt with your husband? How do you know that he has been totally honest in the first place? Perhaps he tailored the "truth" to continue the relationship. How do you know that he is not in contact with the other woman now? Bottom line...he cheated and seems to have gotten off with a slap on the wrist. You deal with it by sharing the most intimate details of your life with total strangers. I don't see how this blog will right the wrong he has done to you & your marriage. Why not marriage therapy....he's the one who needs fixing, not you. Would you continue to drive a car that you couldn't rely on? Can you trust him with your finance and important decisions? Marriage is grounded in trust...do you have that? Sounds like to me that you need to move on by either accepting that your husband has the capability of cheating on you or going forward without him.
I marvel at how people say things like, "it's either X, or you leave." I don't think of marriage that way at all. Marriage is supposed to be, "it's X, now what are you going to do about it within the context of the marriage."
Divorce is not supposed to be your first option. In fact, short of some pretty serious abuse, it's not supposed to be your second, third, or fourth either. TWKW *is* married. So her decisions, going-forward, need to flow from that very real present fact.
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